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'The Parent Trap'

(Linda, Jesse, and Carrie are sitting on the couch watching The Miss Universe contest, eating ice cream)

ANNOUNCER: "Miss China"

LINDA: "How can they call this Miss Universe? No other planets are represented here.


LINDA: "Unless…who are these women? And where do they come from?"

JESSE: "I don’t know, but I don’t think Miss USA came from a mall in Rhode Island. I mean, look at her. Her hair’s bigger than Miss China."

CARRIE: "Yeah, you know, I liked Miss Turkey, but is speed walking really a talent?"

JESSE: "No."

LINDA: "You know, I hear it’s much easier to get into these things when you’re from a small country. Yeah, like say like you’re a young Latvian woman and you got good teeth…phat…they send you to the pageant."

JESSE: "Hey, there’s Miss Chile."

ANNOUNCE: "Miss Chile."

CARRIE: "Oh wow. I wonder if Diego knows her."

(Linda and Jesse look at her)

CARRIE: "What? She’s from Chile, he’s from Chile, like they couldn’t have run into each other at the store."

JESSE: "Yeah. Well I’ll say this, that girl’s got some big ole ta-tas."

CARRIE: "Yes she does."

LINDA: "Yeah."

JESSE: "Whaaaa!"

CARRIE: "How’d she get those babies through customs?"

JESSE: "Yeah, I know. Probably had to pick them up at the odd and oversized baggage."

(They all laugh)

LINDA: "Yeah, none of these women are natural pretty anyway. They all use tricks, like duct tape to lift up their boobs, and Vaseline on their teeth to make them glisten."

JESSE: "Vaseline? Does that work?"

CARRIE: "I don’t know, I think I have some. (Digs through her purse) Want to try it?"

JESSE: "Yeah."

(They all put their index fingers in the jar and rub it on their teeth, and then grimace in disgust)

JESSE: "See, nope, this doesn’t make me feel pretty."

(Linda and Carrie agree)

*    *    *

(In the house, Diego and Jesse are juggling)

DIEGO: "Ah, you see, you’re looking at the balls. The trick is to look beyond the balls, all right?"

JESSE: "Beyond the balls."

DIEGO: "Beyond the ball…beyond the balls."

(Jesse juggles)

DIEGO: "Ah, Jesse, you’re looking at the balls."

JESSE: "Well how can I not look at the balls? They’re in my face."

DIEGO: "Wait a second…watch me."

JESSE: "All right."

DIEGO: "All right."

JESSE: "Okay."

DIEGO: "Beyond the balls…beyond the balls."

JESSE: "Beyond the balls."

DIEGO: "Beyond the balls.

(Diego juggles, looking at the balls)

JESSE: "You are totally looking at the balls!"

DIEGO: "Yeah, okay, you kinda have to look at the balls."

JESSE: "Hey." (Knocks balls out of Diego’s hands) "You wanna go to the movies tomorrow?"

DIEGO: "Tomorrow?"

JESSE: "Yeah, tomorrow."

DIEGO: "Yeah, tomorrow, um, I can’t."

JESSE: "Why?"

DIEGO: "I have this, um, I have this-"

JESSE: "What?"

DIEGO: "Ah, I’m hiding something."

JESSE: "All right. Then it’s my job to get it out of you. So first I’m going to play good-cop bad-cop. Then I will play no-sex-for-a-week cop."

DIEGO: "Whoa! Whoa whoa. My parents…they’re coming to town."

JESSE: "What?"

DIEGO: "They’re coming in from Chile and, um, they’re going to stay here a few days."

JESSE: "Well, why are you hiding this from? What, you don’t want me to meet them or something?"

DIEGO: "No, no, no, no, the opposite. I don’t want you to meet them."

JESSE: "Okay, those aren’t opposites."

DIEGO: "I just, I mean, there’s been a lot of friction between me and my parents, you know, ever since I moved here, I just, I wanted to spare you that."

JESSE: "Come on, I’m your girlfriend. Your problems are my problems, all right?"

DIEGO: "They’re just, they never approved of me becoming an artist, you know? They wanted me to stay in Chile and help with my father’s business, you know?"

JESSE: "Oh, what’s he do?"

DIEGO: "He makes wheels."

JESSE: "Oh, so he’s a lawyer?"

DIEGO: "No, wheels, w-wheels, wheels, the round things Jesse."

JESSE: "Oh…wheels. Why didn’t you say that?"

DIEGO: "Yeah, right, it’s the largest…wheels-

JESSE: "Yeah, wheels."

DIEGO: "…company in Chile, they export all over the world."

JESSE: "Oh my God, that’s amazing. What are you doing here?"

(Diego gives her an outraged look)

JESSE: "Oh, right, right, that art thing."

DIEGO: "Look, they’re very old fashioned and conservative people. I just, I just want this whole visit to go through, you know, without any confrontations."

JESSE: "You know what, let me help you. I’ll make sure that they have a great time. I mean, if they’re having fun, they’re not going to bother you. And I am a great buffer."

DIEGO: "Puffer?"

JESSE: "Buffer."

DIEGO: "See, how do you like it?"

(Jesse hits him in the stomach, they kiss)

*    *    *

(At Der Biergarten)

LINDA: "So, meeting the parents, huh? Nervous?"

JESSE: "Yeah, I mean, what if they don’t like me?"

CARRIE: "Oh come on Jess, why wouldn’t they like you? You’re having sex with their son."

JESSE: "Oh, true."

(Door opens, John Sr. enters)

JOHN SR: "Oh my God! Look at this place! What happened?

JESSE: "Dad!"

JUNIOR: "Dad! You’re back!"

JOHN SR: "Hi Jesse."

JESSE: "Hi."

JUNIOR: "How was your trip?"

JOHN SR: "Don’t change the subject? What did you do to my bar?"

DARREN: "Well, we thought we’d do better as a college bar. I mean, this is a great place for them to blow their student loan money."

JOHN SR: "I don’t mean to be negative, but, uh, can you change it back?"

JUNIOR: "That would require something called a reverse yard sale."

JOHN SR: "I can’t believe this. I leave town for a couple of weeks and everything goes to hell."

(Diego enters)

DIEGO: "Hey beautiful."

JESSE: "Hi."

(They kiss)

JOHN SR: "What’s worse than hell?"

DIEGO: "Oh, hey John. Welcome back, how are you doing?"

JOHN SR: "Isn’t there anything in this place that’s still the same?"

DARREN: "We still have those sings above the urinals that say ‘We aim to please, you aim too, please." Do you want to go look at them?"

JOHN SR: "That would be nice."

(John Sr., Darren, and Junior walk off)

JESSE: "What are you doing here? I thought you had to go pick up your parents from the airport?"

DIEGO: "Ah, yeah, my parents’ flight got delayed, so they’re not coming in until seven."

JESSE: "Don’t you have a class to teach at seven?"

DIEGO: "Yeah, oh, it’s fine. I’m just going to send a car service to pick them up."

JESSE: "A car service? Come on, you can’t let a stranger pick up your parents."

DIEGO: "On no, it’s fine. It’s a really great service. Actually, you know, when they pick you up, they give you a free bucket of chicken!"

JESSE: "All right, you know what, I’ll go pick them up."

DIEGO: "Oh no, no, no, I can’t-"

JESSE: "It’s fine."

DIEGO: "…I can’t as you to do-"

JESSE: "It’s fine."

DIEGO: "…no."

JESSE: "It’s fine, it’s fine. I mean, really, how bad could your parents be? You turned out pretty good."

DIEGO: "Yeah, so did Jeff Mussolini."

*    *    *


(At the airport, Jesse is holding a sign that says ‘Vasquez’. A man in a suit walks up next to her, holding a sign that says ‘Anderson’ and…a bucket of chicken)

JESSE: "Hey, I’ve heard about you guys."

(Suited man walks away; two people come up to Jesse)



JESSE: "Vasquez…Vasquez…Vasquez! I’m Jesse!"

(They all hug)

JESSE: "Oh gosh, welcome to America. How was your flight? (Seeing the confusion of the Vasquez, Jesse acts like a plane) "Buenos?"

MOMMA VASQUEZ: "Si, Buenos. (Something in Spanish about The Truman Show)

PAPPA VASQUEZ: (Something in Spanish about Jim Carrey, and then the Spanish equivalent of ‘Good morning! And in case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!)

JESSE: "Right, okay, okay, well terrific. Diego is working tonight, so we’re just going to go back to my place. (More confusion) Ah, u vango mi case?)

MOMMA VASQEUZ: "Si, casa."

PAPPA VASQUEZ: "Si, casa."

JESSE: "Si, si, mi case, mi casa. Okay, so, why don’t we go get your luggage, and then we’ll go? (More confusion) Um, luggage, uh bagos, bagseodio? Forget it, let’s just go."

*    *    *

(At the house, Pappa Vasquez is yelling in Spanish, they’re playing some sort of soccer game. Jesse walks down the stairs)

JESSE: Hey! Oh, what smells so good?"

JUNIOR: "Mamma Vasquez is making us dinner. It’s like watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel, only with meat."

JESSE: "Senora Vasquez, Senor Vasquez. Here, I want to, uh, give you these presents to welcome you to Buffalo." (She hands them sports sweatshirts)

PAPPA VASQUEZ: (Something in Spanish)

MAMMA VASQUEZ: (Something in Spanish)

JOHN SR: "Jesse? Uh, what do I get?"

JESSE: "Dad, you live here."

JOHN SR: Yeah, but I was away."

JESSE: "Yeah…and I missed you so much."

(She hugs her father)

JOHN SR: "Yeah, like that will keep me warm."

(The door opens, Diego comes in)

DIEGO: "Hey."

JESSE: "Hi, hey honey, it is going so well. I don’t even know what you were worried about, your parents are great, and they’re having a great time."

DIEGO: "Ah, that’s great…but those are not my parents."

(Jesse, understandably, looks surprised)

DIEGO: (On the phone) "Yeah, okay, could you page them again, please? Yes, Pedro and Rosa Vasquez."

JESSE: "Are you sure that these aren’t your parents?"

DIEGO: "Oh yeah, well, I haven’t seen them since Christmas, and…yes, of course I’m sure!"

JESSE: "I don’t understand how this happened. I mean, I had a sign that said ‘Vasquez’.

DIEGO: "Oh, Jesse, it’s a flight from Chile, everybody’s Vasquez. It’s like holding up a sign in a prison that says ‘Bad Guy’.

JESSE: "Look, I’m so sorry."

DIEGO: "No, it’s okay. I’m just stressed out, it was an honest mistake." (To the phone) "Yeah…yeah…oh thank God, they found them."

JESSE: "Oh, they did?"

DIEGO: "Yeah, yeah."

ROSA VASQUEZ: (On the phone) "Diego!"

DIEGO: "Hola Mama, bueno va Buffalo."

ROSA VASQUEZ: (Speaks in Spanish)

JESSE: Tell, tell her I’m excited to meat her."

DIEGO: "What?" (Speaks in Spanish)

JESSE: (Jumping up and down) "Tell her, tell her!"

ROSA VASQUEZ: (Speaks in Spanish)

DIEGO: "Calm Mama."

ROSA VASQUEZ: (Speaks in Spanish)

(Phone cuts off, Diego turns it off)

DIEGO: "She’s excited too."

JESSE: "Oh my God, I just want to crawl under the covers."

DIEGO: "Oh, no, no, no, no Jesse. Don’t you give up on me now. You’re the buffer."

JESSE: "What? Buffer? No, no, no, no, I can’t buff this. This is unbuffable."

JOHN SR: "If these aren’t his parents, then who are they?"

JUNIOR: "I think they’re tourists, who now think America is the friendliest place on Earth."

DIEGO: "You know what, let’s just go to the airport, pick up my actual parents, give them something to eat, maybe this whole thing will just blow over."

JESSE: "Well, tell them I said I’m sorry."

DIEGO: "You’re not coming!?"

JESSE: "Are you kidding? They must hate me now. It was going so well with your other parents."

DIEGO: "Those are not my parents!"

JESSE: (Jumping up) "You didn’t even give them a chance! All right, all right, all right, I’ll come with you, okay?" (To her family) "All right you guys, we’re going to the airport, we’ll be back in about an hour." (To the other Vasquez) "Listen, I’m, I’m sorry that this didn’t work out. I mean, if it were up to me-"

(Diego looks outraged)

JESSE: "…which it isn’t. Good luck."

LITTLE JOHN: "Why do they have to go?"

JESSE: "Because Diego refuses to accept them."

DIEGO: "Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!"

JESSE: "Because they’re complete strangers."

LITTLE JOHN: "How can you say that about Ebuela and Poppi?"

DARREN: "Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s not gonna be the same around here without you guys."

LITTLE JOHN: "Yeah…think they’ll write me?"

DARREN: "Sure…you’re the favorite."

*    *    *

(In the car, Jesse and Rosa Vasquez are in the back seat; Diego and Pedro Vasquez are in the front, with Diego driving)

JESSE: "Mrs. Vasquez, I am so sorry. I really am. I’m so sorry your bags got stolen, and-"

DIEGO: "Jesse, no, no, it’s okay. These things happen, nobody’s blaming you."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "I’m blaming her!"

DIEGO: "Mama, please!"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "No, what! We were at the airport for three hours, and now we have to buy new underwear."

JESSE: "I’m so sorry. But do you know what I do when I travel? I, I take my carry-on, but I pack some essentials in there, just in case-"

(Rosa Vasquez looks at her)

JESSE: "So, your husband’s in the wheels game?"

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "You know, while I was looking for my bags, a woman pointed at me."

JESSE: "Pointed?"

DIEGO: "What are you talking about?"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "A scrawny woman pointed at your father…(Starts talking in Spanish)

JESSE: "What did she say?"

DIEGO: "Oh, she said, the woman was a white goose, like a starving dog, with novels(?)."

JESSE: "Ah…of course."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Diego, I still don’t understand why you would move to such a horrible place. Doesn’t this city have the highest suicide rate in the country?"

JESSE: "Actually, that’s Seattle."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh, then it’s just me who wants to kill myself?"

DIEGO: "Mama, please, just give the city a chance, okay? You’ve only seen the airport."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "And whose fault is that?"

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "What kind of wheels are these? They sound cheap."

DIEGO: "The wheels are fine Dad."

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "I hear a whistle and then a click. Whistle…click. Whiistle…click. Whiiiistle…click."

DIEGO: "I don’t hear anything Dad."

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "That’s because you don’t know anything about wheels."

DIEGO: "I don’t know, I’m so ignorant on the subject of wheels! I, I’m so ashamed!"

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "You should be! You never liked wheels!"

DIEGO: "Dad, I don’t want to get into this again, can we not do this now, please!?"

JESSE: "Who’s hungry?"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "We eat at the airport. A cup of soup cost $30. I found a tooth in mine."

JESSE: "Well, I as thinking about taking us all to dinner. I know this great place. You’re going to love it; they put on a show, the food…excellent. And the cook has no teeth, so you don’t have to worry about that…that was a joke."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Yeah, we got it…hilarious."

*    *    *

(At the restaurant)

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "So then, I’m standing there, and she’s pointing at me, and gesturing to her friend, then the both start laughing and pointing!"

DIEGO: "Yeah Dad, that’s outrageous. Excuse me a minute. Jesse, do you think it would be weird if we just sat them at another table?"

JESSE: "Sweetie, don’t give up now. I know things aren’t going so well, but maybe it will all work out after we eat, okay?"

DIEGO: "They’re just, they’re just, so impossible!"

JESSE: "They’re, they’re in a new country. They’re nervous. You know what? I bet you they’re more scared of you than you are of them."

DIEGO: "Jesse, they’re not squirrels."

JESSE: "If they bother you so much, why don’t you go talk to them?"

DIEGO: "Oh, there’s no point. They’re not going to change. Look, I just want this over."

MAITRE’D: "Uh, Warner?"

JESSE: "Yes, we are Warner."

MAITRE’D: "Is your whole party here?"

JESSE: "Oh yeah, we’re all here." (Points at everyone)

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Ah! She’s pointing at me!"

*    *    *

(At the dinner table)

JESSE: "Mrs. Vasquez, would you like some more lamb?"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh, my father used to raise lambs. Do you know what they do to those poor little creatures? They hang them up by their feet, they slit them own the middle, and they let them die slowly, that way the meat is more tender."

JESSE: "Uh…how about a mushroom, they just pick those."

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Tell me Diego. When are you going to stop playing with your paints and help run the business?"

DIEGO: "Dad, we’ve been over this, alright? Look, I’ve just been made an assistant Professor, okay, th-that’s very prestigious, and I-"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "You know who’s such a sweet girl? Sophia."

DIEGO: "That’s nice Mom."

JESSE: "Who is Sophia?"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "She’s this wonderful girl who had a mad crush on Diego, but Diego he could care less."

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Sophia is picking us up from the airport. She’s probably already there."

DIEGO: "Do you both know that Jesse here, she has a son?"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh really?"

DIEGO: "Yeah."

JESSE: "Yeah. He’s nine, and he’s so sweet, and-"

ROSA VASQUEZ: "And what happened to the father?"

JESSE: "Well, uh, we were divorced."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Divorced? Divorced is not acceptable in this family. Diego’s father and I have been married 32 years."

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "WE don’t enjoy it, but it is tradition."

DIEGO: "Well, oh, Jesse’s ex-husband was a really horrible guy."

ROSA VASQUEZ: "You think your father is Hulio Eglasias? Sure, we had our problems, but noting supersedes the sanctity of marriage."

JESSE: "Yeah, well, I think that my ex-husband though the sanctity of marriage kept him from sleeping with other woman."

DIEGO: "Let’s, uh, let’s talk about something else. Did you know that it’s the male seahorse that gives birth to the babies?"

JESSE: "You’re kidding!"

DIEGO: "No."

JESSE: "Look, uh, I know that we got off on the wrong foot after the whole airport fiasco. But, just, please don’t judge me by what happened before. I mean, here we are, we’re at a nice restaurant, and I really want to show you a good time, okay?" (The lights dim, music starts playing softly) "Oh, the show’s starting."

MAITRE’D: "And now, for the first time ever, the Summer Club proudly presents, direct from Paris, Le Tigre!"

(Curtain opens; main in loincloth with stripes painted all over his body starts dancing)

ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh my God!"

MUSIC: "Welcome to the jungle…"


DIEGO: "Jesse, what the hell is this!?"

JESSE: "I don’t know! The last time I was here they did Annie."

PEDRO VASQUEZ: "He’s pointing…he’s pointing at me!"

(Jesse jumps up, and starts hitting Le Tigre wit her napkin)

JESSE: "Le Tigre, Le Tigre, bad Le Tigre, bad Le Tigre. Stop…stop." (He starts chasing her) "No, no, no, down Le Tigre, please don’t do that, please don’t, no, please…"

*    *    *

(Later that night, at the house, Jesse is on the couch, eating ice cream. She squirts chocolate syrup into her mouth, and then whipped cream. Diego walks in, and she covers the food in a blanket)

DIEGO: "Hey."

JESSE: (Standing up) "Hey. All right, let’s get this over with. I’m an idiot, I’m a moron, you’re parents hate me, you hate me, I hate me-"

DIEGO: "Jesse."

JESSE: "…Le Tigre seemed to like me."

DIEGO: "Jesse, I just had a long talk with my parents."

JESSE: "Look, Diego, I am so sorry. I mean, I know you were just trying to get through this trip, without any confrontations."

DIEGO: "Jesse, Jesse, listen. I just told them that if they ever treat you like that again, they can go back to Chile and stay there forever."

JESSE: "You did?"

DIEGO: "Yeah, and I told them, this is the woman that I love, and they should consider you a member of the family, or I won’t be."

JESSE: "You love me?"

DIEGO: "Well, it’s, it’s what I told them."

JESSE: "You don’t?"

DIEGO: "I do. Come here."

(They kiss)

JESSE: "You think in the end, they started to like me, just a little bit?"

DIEGO: "No."

(Jesse looks bewildered, and they kiss again)