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ANNOUNCER: "Miss China" LINDA: "How can they call this Miss Universe? No other planets are represented here. ANNOUNCER: "Miss USA" LINDA: "Unless who are these women? And where do they come from?" JESSE: "I dont know, but I dont think Miss USA came from a mall in Rhode Island. I mean, look at her. Her hairs bigger than Miss China." CARRIE: "Yeah, you know, I liked Miss Turkey, but is speed walking really a talent?" JESSE: "No." LINDA: "You know, I hear its much easier to get into these things when youre from a small country. Yeah, like say like youre a young Latvian woman and you got good teeth phat they send you to the pageant." JESSE: "Hey, theres Miss Chile." ANNOUNCE: "Miss Chile." CARRIE: "Oh wow. I wonder if Diego knows her." (Linda and Jesse look at her) CARRIE: "What? Shes from Chile, hes from Chile, like they couldnt have run into each other at the store." JESSE: "Yeah. Well Ill say this, that girls got some big ole ta-tas." CARRIE: "Yes she does." LINDA: "Yeah." JESSE: "Whaaaa!" CARRIE: "Howd she get those babies through customs?" JESSE: "Yeah, I know. Probably had to pick them up at the odd and oversized baggage." (They all laugh) LINDA: "Yeah, none of these women are natural pretty anyway. They all use tricks, like duct tape to lift up their boobs, and Vaseline on their teeth to make them glisten." JESSE: "Vaseline? Does that work?" CARRIE: "I dont know, I think I have some. (Digs through her purse) Want to try it?" JESSE: "Yeah." (They all put their index fingers in the jar and rub it on their teeth, and then grimace in disgust) JESSE: "See, nope, this doesnt make me feel pretty." (Linda and Carrie agree) * * *
DIEGO: "Ah, you see, youre looking at the balls. The trick is to look beyond the balls, all right?" JESSE: "Beyond the balls." DIEGO: "Beyond the ball beyond the balls." (Jesse juggles) DIEGO: "Ah, Jesse, youre looking at the balls." JESSE: "Well how can I not look at the balls? Theyre in my face." DIEGO: "Wait a second watch me." JESSE: "All right." DIEGO: "All right." JESSE: "Okay." DIEGO: "Beyond the balls beyond the balls." JESSE: "Beyond the balls." DIEGO: "Beyond the balls. (Diego juggles, looking at the balls) JESSE: "You are totally looking at the balls!" DIEGO: "Yeah, okay, you kinda have to look at the balls." JESSE: "Hey." (Knocks balls out of Diegos hands) "You wanna go to the movies tomorrow?" DIEGO: "Tomorrow?" JESSE: "Yeah, tomorrow." DIEGO: "Yeah, tomorrow, um, I cant." JESSE: "Why?" DIEGO: "I have this, um, I have this-" JESSE: "What?" DIEGO: "Ah, Im hiding something." JESSE: "All right. Then its my job to get it out of you. So first Im going to play good-cop bad-cop. Then I will play no-sex-for-a-week cop." DIEGO: "Whoa! Whoa whoa. My parents theyre coming to town." JESSE: "What?" DIEGO: "Theyre coming in from Chile and, um, theyre going to stay here a few days." JESSE: "Well, why are you hiding this from? What, you dont want me to meet them or something?" DIEGO: "No, no, no, no, the opposite. I dont want you to meet them." JESSE: "Okay, those arent opposites." DIEGO: "I just, I mean, theres been a lot of friction between me and my parents, you know, ever since I moved here, I just, I wanted to spare you that." JESSE: "Come on, Im your girlfriend. Your problems are my problems, all right?" DIEGO: "Theyre just, they never approved of me becoming an artist, you know? They wanted me to stay in Chile and help with my fathers business, you know?" JESSE: "Oh, whats he do?" DIEGO: "He makes wheels." JESSE: "Oh, so hes a lawyer?" DIEGO: "No, wheels, w-wheels, wheels, the round things Jesse." JESSE: "Oh wheels. Why didnt you say that?" DIEGO: "Yeah, right, its the largest wheels- JESSE: "Yeah, wheels." DIEGO: " company in Chile, they export all over the world." JESSE: "Oh my God, thats amazing. What are you doing here?" (Diego gives her an outraged look) JESSE: "Oh, right, right, that art thing." DIEGO: "Look, theyre very old fashioned and conservative people. I just, I just want this whole visit to go through, you know, without any confrontations." JESSE: "You know what, let me help you. Ill make sure that they have a great time. I mean, if theyre having fun, theyre not going to bother you. And I am a great buffer." DIEGO: "Puffer?" JESSE: "Buffer." DIEGO: "See, how do you like it?" (Jesse hits him in the stomach, they kiss)
LINDA: "So, meeting the parents, huh? Nervous?" JESSE: "Yeah, I mean, what if they dont like me?" CARRIE: "Oh come on Jess, why wouldnt they like you? Youre having sex with their son." JESSE: "Oh, true." (Door opens, John Sr. enters) JOHN SR: "Oh my God! Look at this place! What happened? JESSE: "Dad!" JUNIOR: "Dad! Youre back!" JOHN SR: "Hi Jesse." JESSE: "Hi." JUNIOR: "How was your trip?" JOHN SR: "Dont change the subject? What did you do to my bar?" DARREN: "Well, we thought wed do better as a college bar. I mean, this is a great place for them to blow their student loan money." JOHN SR: "I dont mean to be negative, but, uh, can you change it back?" JUNIOR: "That would require something called a reverse yard sale." JOHN SR: "I cant believe this. I leave town for a couple of weeks and everything goes to hell." (Diego enters) DIEGO: "Hey beautiful." JESSE: "Hi." (They kiss) JOHN SR: "Whats worse than hell?" DIEGO: "Oh, hey John. Welcome back, how are you doing?" JOHN SR: "Isnt there anything in this place thats still the same?" DARREN: "We still have those sings above the urinals that say We aim to please, you aim too, please." Do you want to go look at them?" JOHN SR: "That would be nice." (John Sr., Darren, and Junior walk off) JESSE: "What are you doing here? I thought you had to go pick up your parents from the airport?" DIEGO: "Ah, yeah, my parents flight got delayed, so theyre not coming in until seven." JESSE: "Dont you have a class to teach at seven?" DIEGO: "Yeah, oh, its fine. Im just going to send a car service to pick them up." JESSE: "A car service? Come on, you cant let a stranger pick up your parents." DIEGO: "On no, its fine. Its a really great service. Actually, you know, when they pick you up, they give you a free bucket of chicken!" JESSE: "All right, you know what, Ill go pick them up." DIEGO: "Oh no, no, no, I cant-" JESSE: "Its fine." DIEGO: " I cant as you to do-" JESSE: "Its fine." DIEGO: " no." JESSE: "Its fine, its fine. I mean, really, how bad could your parents be? You turned out pretty good." DIEGO: "Yeah, so did Jeff Mussolini."
(At the airport, Jesse is holding a sign that says Vasquez. A man in a suit walks up next to her, holding a sign that says Anderson and a bucket of chicken) JESSE: "Hey, Ive heard about you guys." (Suited man walks away; two people come up to Jesse) MOMMA VASQUEZ: "Hola." PAPPA VASQUEZ: "Hola." JESSE: "Vasquez Vasquez Vasquez! Im Jesse!" (They all hug) JESSE: "Oh gosh, welcome to America. How was your flight? (Seeing the confusion of the Vasquez, Jesse acts like a plane) "Buenos?" MOMMA VASQUEZ: "Si, Buenos. (Something in Spanish about The Truman Show) PAPPA VASQUEZ: (Something in Spanish about Jim Carrey, and then the Spanish equivalent of Good morning! And in case I dont see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!) JESSE: "Right, okay, okay, well terrific. Diego is working tonight, so were just going to go back to my place. (More confusion) Ah, u vango mi case?) MOMMA VASQEUZ: "Si, casa." PAPPA VASQUEZ: "Si, casa." JESSE: "Si, si, mi case, mi casa. Okay, so, why dont we go get your luggage, and then well go? (More confusion) Um, luggage, uh bagos, bagseodio? Forget it, lets just go."
JESSE: Hey! Oh, what smells so good?" JUNIOR: "Mamma Vasquez is making us dinner. Its like watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel, only with meat." JESSE: "Senora Vasquez, Senor Vasquez. Here, I want to, uh, give you these presents to welcome you to Buffalo." (She hands them sports sweatshirts) PAPPA VASQUEZ: (Something in Spanish) MAMMA VASQUEZ: (Something in Spanish) JOHN SR: "Jesse? Uh, what do I get?" JESSE: "Dad, you live here." JOHN SR: Yeah, but I was away." JESSE: "Yeah and I missed you so much." (She hugs her father) JOHN SR: "Yeah, like that will keep me warm." (The door opens, Diego comes in) DIEGO: "Hey." JESSE: "Hi, hey honey, it is going so well. I dont even know what you were worried about, your parents are great, and theyre having a great time." DIEGO: "Ah, thats great but those are not my parents." (Jesse, understandably, looks surprised) DIEGO: (On the phone) "Yeah, okay, could you page them again, please? Yes, Pedro and Rosa Vasquez." JESSE: "Are you sure that these arent your parents?" DIEGO: "Oh yeah, well, I havent seen them since Christmas, and yes, of course Im sure!" JESSE: "I dont understand how this happened. I mean, I had a sign that said Vasquez. DIEGO: "Oh, Jesse, its a flight from Chile, everybodys Vasquez. Its like holding up a sign in a prison that says Bad Guy. JESSE: "Look, Im so sorry." DIEGO: "No, its okay. Im just stressed out, it was an honest mistake." (To the phone) "Yeah yeah oh thank God, they found them." JESSE: "Oh, they did?" DIEGO: "Yeah, yeah." ROSA VASQUEZ: (On the phone) "Diego!" DIEGO: "Hola Mama, bueno va Buffalo." ROSA VASQUEZ: (Speaks in Spanish) JESSE: Tell, tell her Im excited to meat her." DIEGO: "What?" (Speaks in Spanish) JESSE: (Jumping up and down) "Tell her, tell her!" ROSA VASQUEZ: (Speaks in Spanish) DIEGO: "Calm Mama." ROSA VASQUEZ: (Speaks in Spanish) (Phone cuts off, Diego turns it off) DIEGO: "Shes excited too." JESSE: "Oh my God, I just want to crawl under the covers." DIEGO: "Oh, no, no, no, no Jesse. Dont you give up on me now. Youre the buffer." JESSE: "What? Buffer? No, no, no, no, I cant buff this. This is unbuffable." JOHN SR: "If these arent his parents, then who are they?" JUNIOR: "I think theyre tourists, who now think America is the friendliest place on Earth." DIEGO: "You know what, lets just go to the airport, pick up my actual parents, give them something to eat, maybe this whole thing will just blow over." JESSE: "Well, tell them I said Im sorry." DIEGO: "Youre not coming!?" JESSE: "Are you kidding? They must hate me now. It was going so well with your other parents." DIEGO: "Those are not my parents!" JESSE: (Jumping up) "You didnt even give them a chance! All right, all right, all right, Ill come with you, okay?" (To her family) "All right you guys, were going to the airport, well be back in about an hour." (To the other Vasquez) "Listen, Im, Im sorry that this didnt work out. I mean, if it were up to me-" (Diego looks outraged) JESSE: " which it isnt. Good luck." LITTLE JOHN: "Why do they have to go?" JESSE: "Because Diego refuses to accept them." DIEGO: "Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!" JESSE: "Because theyre complete strangers." LITTLE JOHN: "How can you say that about Ebuela and Poppi?" DARREN: "Yeah, its, uh, its not gonna be the same around here without you guys." LITTLE JOHN: "Yeah think theyll write me?" DARREN: "Sure youre the favorite."
JESSE: "Mrs. Vasquez, I am so sorry. I really am. Im so sorry your bags got stolen, and-" DIEGO: "Jesse, no, no, its okay. These things happen, nobodys blaming you." ROSA VASQUEZ: "Im blaming her!" DIEGO: "Mama, please!" ROSA VASQUEZ: "No, what! We were at the airport for three hours, and now we have to buy new underwear." JESSE: "Im so sorry. But do you know what I do when I travel? I, I take my carry-on, but I pack some essentials in there, just in case-" (Rosa Vasquez looks at her) JESSE: "So, your husbands in the wheels game?" PEDRO VASQUEZ: "You know, while I was looking for my bags, a woman pointed at me." JESSE: "Pointed?" DIEGO: "What are you talking about?" ROSA VASQUEZ: "A scrawny woman pointed at your father (Starts talking in Spanish) JESSE: "What did she say?" DIEGO: "Oh, she said, the woman was a white goose, like a starving dog, with novels(?)." JESSE: "Ah of course." ROSA VASQUEZ: "Diego, I still dont understand why you would move to such a horrible place. Doesnt this city have the highest suicide rate in the country?" JESSE: "Actually, thats Seattle." ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh, then its just me who wants to kill myself?" DIEGO: "Mama, please, just give the city a chance, okay? Youve only seen the airport." ROSA VASQUEZ: "And whose fault is that?" PEDRO VASQUEZ: "What kind of wheels are these? They sound cheap." DIEGO: "The wheels are fine Dad." PEDRO VASQUEZ: "I hear a whistle and then a click. Whistle click. Whiistle click. Whiiiistle click." DIEGO: "I dont hear anything Dad." PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Thats because you dont know anything about wheels." DIEGO: "I dont know, Im so ignorant on the subject of wheels! I, Im so ashamed!" PEDRO VASQUEZ: "You should be! You never liked wheels!" DIEGO: "Dad, I dont want to get into this again, can we not do this now, please!?" JESSE: "Whos hungry?" ROSA VASQUEZ: "We eat at the airport. A cup of soup cost $30. I found a tooth in mine." JESSE: "Well, I as thinking about taking us all to dinner. I know this great place. Youre going to love it; they put on a show, the food excellent. And the cook has no teeth, so you dont have to worry about that that was a joke." ROSA VASQUEZ: "Yeah, we got it
hilarious."
PEDRO VASQUEZ: "So then, Im standing there, and shes pointing at me, and gesturing to her friend, then the both start laughing and pointing!" DIEGO: "Yeah Dad, thats outrageous. Excuse me a minute. Jesse, do you think it would be weird if we just sat them at another table?" JESSE: "Sweetie, dont give up now. I know things arent going so well, but maybe it will all work out after we eat, okay?" DIEGO: "Theyre just, theyre just, so impossible!" JESSE: "Theyre, theyre in a new country. Theyre nervous. You know what? I bet you theyre more scared of you than you are of them." DIEGO: "Jesse, theyre not squirrels." JESSE: "If they bother you so much, why dont you go talk to them?" DIEGO: "Oh, theres no point. Theyre not going to change. Look, I just want this over." MAITRED: "Uh, Warner?" JESSE: "Yes, we are Warner." MAITRED: "Is your whole party here?" JESSE: "Oh yeah, were all here." (Points at everyone) PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Ah! Shes pointing at me!"
JESSE: "Mrs. Vasquez, would you like some more lamb?" ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh, my father used to raise lambs. Do you know what they do to those poor little creatures? They hang them up by their feet, they slit them own the middle, and they let them die slowly, that way the meat is more tender." JESSE: "Uh how about a mushroom, they just pick those." PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Tell me Diego. When are you going to stop playing with your paints and help run the business?" DIEGO: "Dad, weve been over this, alright? Look, Ive just been made an assistant Professor, okay, th-thats very prestigious, and I-" ROSA VASQUEZ: "You know whos such a sweet girl? Sophia." DIEGO: "Thats nice Mom." JESSE: "Who is Sophia?" ROSA VASQUEZ: "Shes this wonderful girl who had a mad crush on Diego, but Diego he could care less." PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Sophia is picking us up from the airport. Shes probably already there." DIEGO: "Do you both know that Jesse here, she has a son?" ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh really?" DIEGO: "Yeah." JESSE: "Yeah. Hes nine, and hes so sweet, and-" ROSA VASQUEZ: "And what happened to the father?" JESSE: "Well, uh, we were divorced." ROSA VASQUEZ: "Divorced? Divorced is not acceptable in this family. Diegos father and I have been married 32 years." PEDRO VASQUEZ: "WE dont enjoy it, but it is tradition." DIEGO: "Well, oh, Jesses ex-husband was a really horrible guy." ROSA VASQUEZ: "You think your father is Hulio Eglasias? Sure, we had our problems, but noting supersedes the sanctity of marriage." JESSE: "Yeah, well, I think that my ex-husband though the sanctity of marriage kept him from sleeping with other woman." DIEGO: "Lets, uh, lets talk about something else. Did you know that its the male seahorse that gives birth to the babies?" JESSE: "Youre kidding!" DIEGO: "No." JESSE: "Look, uh, I know that we got off on the wrong foot after the whole airport fiasco. But, just, please dont judge me by what happened before. I mean, here we are, were at a nice restaurant, and I really want to show you a good time, okay?" (The lights dim, music starts playing softly) "Oh, the shows starting." MAITRED: "And now, for the first time ever, the Summer Club proudly presents, direct from Paris, Le Tigre!" (Curtain opens; main in loincloth with stripes painted all over his body starts dancing) ROSA VASQUEZ: "Oh my God!" MUSIC: "Welcome to the jungle " ROSA VASQUEZ: "Ahh!" DIEGO: "Jesse, what the hell is this!?" JESSE: "I dont know! The last time I was here they did Annie." PEDRO VASQUEZ: "Hes pointing hes pointing at me!" (Jesse jumps up, and starts hitting Le Tigre wit her napkin) JESSE: "Le Tigre, Le Tigre, bad Le Tigre, bad Le Tigre.
Stop
stop." (He starts chasing her) "No, no, no, down Le Tigre, please
dont do that, please dont, no, please
" * * *
DIEGO: "Hey." JESSE: (Standing up) "Hey. All right, lets get this over with. Im an idiot, Im a moron, youre parents hate me, you hate me, I hate me-" DIEGO: "Jesse." JESSE: " Le Tigre seemed to like me." DIEGO: "Jesse, I just had a long talk with my parents." JESSE: "Look, Diego, I am so sorry. I mean, I know you were just trying to get through this trip, without any confrontations." DIEGO: "Jesse, Jesse, listen. I just told them that if they ever treat you like that again, they can go back to Chile and stay there forever." JESSE: "You did?" DIEGO: "Yeah, and I told them, this is the woman that I love, and they should consider you a member of the family, or I wont be." JESSE: "You love me?" DIEGO: "Well, its, its what I told them." JESSE: "You dont?"
(They kiss) JESSE: "You think in the end, they started to like me, just a little bit?" DIEGO: "No." (Jesse looks bewildered, and they kiss again) |