JESSE: "Little John, youve got nine and a half minutes until the bus gets here."
LITTLE JOHN: "Whats for breakfast?"
JESSE: "Eggs." (Her earring falls into the pan) "Eggs and jewelry."
(The door opens and Junior enters)
LITTLE JOHN: "Hey Uncle Junior."
JESSE: "Hey Junior. You want some eggs?"
(Junior shakes his head)
JESSE: "Cereal? French Toast?"
(Junior contemplates the last suggestion)
JESSE: "Okay, you stopped talking like a year ago, right?"
JESSE: "Get a pad!"
(John Sr enters the room)
JOHN SR: "Did you know William Shanters Jewish?"
JESSE: "You just walked nine blocks to tell me that?"
JOHN SR: "Well I just never pictured those people in space."
JESSE: "Dad, that is so offensive." (Looks at Little John) "Honey, youre only wearing one shoe. I think youre going to have a much better day at school if you wear two shoes."
LITTLE JOHN: "I dont agree."
LITTLE JOHN: "Fine." (He walks off)
(Someone knocks at the door; Jesse goes to open it)
DIEGO: "Hi, uh, my name is Diego, I just moved into your house next door. I mean, not your house. My house. If Id moved into your house, wed be living together and uh...Okay Im done."
JESSE: "Okay, so hi and welcome. Welcome and hi. Take your pick."
DIEGO: "Thank you. Uh, I dont mean to bother you, but can I borrow a can-opener?"
JESSE: "Oh, yeah, yeah sure." (Goes to get a can-opener)
JOHN SR: "Dont let him take it youll never see it again."
DIEGO: "Im sorry, I didnt hear you through that thick newspaper."
JESSE: "So, um, where are you from?"
DIEGO: "Im from Chile."
JESSE: "Oh, Chile, wow. Thats um, uh, I know nothing about Chile."
DIEGO: "Oh thats okay. I know nothing about Buffalo."
JESSE: "Oh, well, last year 28 people here froze to death. Its a record."
DIEGO: (Laughs) "Oh, I didnt ask your name."
JESSE: "Oh right. Im Jesse." (They shake hands) "Hi."
JESSE: "And this is my lovely father John."
JOHN SR: "It may be more familiar to you as Juan."
JESSE: "And thats my brother, his names also John but we call him Junior."
(Junior gets up and walks over to shake Diegos hand)
DIEGO: "Hello." (Junior says nothing) "How are you?" (Again, Junior says nothing)
JESSE: "Yeah, well he doesnt talk very much. Sort of this philosophical thing. Says hes not gonna talk until he can find a way to use language in a more efficient manner." (Diego looks confused) "Yeah I know, blah blah blah blah." (Junior looks hurt and walks away)
* * *
(Jesse and Carrie are at Der Biergarten)
CARRIE: "So whatta you got there?"
JESSE: "Oh ah, a brochure for a nursing school."
CARRIE: "Youre going to nursing school? That is so great."
JOHN SR: "Whats so great?"
CARRIE: "Oh, its Jesse became a nurse."
JOHN SR: "Oh no. No daughter of mine is getting mixed up in the medical profession."
JESSE: "Dad, just because you had one bad experience at a hospital-"
JOHN SR: "They took my testicle!"
JESSE: "Yeah well they put it back."
(Diego walks in)
DIEGO: "Hey Jesse."
JESSE: "How are you doing?"
DIEGO: "Good, you?"
JESSE: "So, so youve seen me in my costume. Thats great."
DIEGO: "No, no I like it. You look like the girl from the Recola commercial."
JESSE: "Oh, oh yeah. Recolaaa. Oh, God."
JOHN SR: "Hey. Chile!"
DIEGO: "Hello Juan. Can I have a beer please?"
JOHN SR: "Did you bring back the can-opener?"
DIEGO: "Oh no no, I traded it for a kilo."
JESSE: "Ah, why dont we find you a table, okay?"
(Jesse leads Diego to a table)
JESSE: "Have a seat and Ill go get you that beer."
DIEGO: "Okay. Jesse, Jesse, um, wait. Um, I was just wondering if perhaps you had some time free and-"
(Little John runs across the room and hugs Diego)
LITTLE JOHN: "Daddy!"
JESSE: "Oh, ha, no. Not him, not him. Um, this is my son."
DIEGO: (Surprised) "Oh...and the father is?"
DIEGO: "Oh great. Oh, oh thats too bad."
JESSE: "Diego this is John."
DIEGO: (Offering his hand) "Hi."
LITTLE JOHN: "Hello."
DIEGO: "So, your fathers John and your brothers John."
JESSE: "Yeah, but we call him Little John."
LITTLE JOHN: "I know, its not a great system." (He walks off)
JESSE: "Ah. Beer."
DIEGO: "Ah, Jesse. Um, as I was saying, uh, I was just wondering would you like to go dancing sometime?"
JESSE: "Wow, dancing, um. No, Im sorry, thats very flattering, but I dont date."
DIEGO: "Well, you obviously did once."
JESSE: "Yes, true true, but not anymore. See Im a single mom and-"
JESSE: "...the nights that I dont work I like to be with my kid."
JESSE: "And then theres my family, and, you know, I just sorta made this decision that I dont have room for dancing. Im sorry, really." (Touches Diegos arm) "Ohh."
DIEGO: "Okay, well, I guess Ill just see you around the driveway."
JESSE: "Yeah, I think thats best. So, Im sorry." (Touches Diegos arm again, they part company)
CARRIE: "That was the saddest thing Ive ever seen."
CARRIE: "How can you not go out with him? Hes like Antonio Banderas but he wants to have sex with you."
(Jesse rolls her eyes. Darren opens the door to Der Biergarten and walks in)
DARREN: "Hey hey little man!"
LITTLE JOHN: "Hey Uncle Darren!"
DARREN: "How are you doing? Hello Junior. Im sorry I havent called, its just not that satisfying for me." (Junior nods)
DARREN: "Hey Jes."
JESSE: "Whats up?"
DARREN: "How are you doing?"
DARREN: "Look, Im going to need to crash at your place for a little while okay?"
JESSE: "Why, whats wrong with your apartment?"
DARREN: "Ah, my landlord and I got into a fight. You burn down one little kitchenette and suddenly youre the bad boy of the complex. "
(John Sr. walks in)
JOHN SR: "My boy!"
DARREN: "Hey, Dad!"
JOHN SR: "Hows my en-tra-pre-nor?"
DARREN: "Im on to something very big, and when it hits Im gonna buy a big house and were all gonna live in it together."
JOHN SR: "So what are you working on now?"
DARREN: (Uncovers what he brought in, reveals a garden gnome) "Garden gnomes." (Only Darren pronounces the G)
JESSE: "I think the G is silent."
DARREN: "Arden gnomes?" (Again with the pronounced G) "Point is, I bought 8,000 of these little babies and I got this guy down at Home Depot whose begging to take them off my hands. Cha-ching, Im gonna make a killing!"
JESSE: "I cant believe that you bought 8,000 gnomes." (Jesse keeps the G silent)
DARREN: "Gnomes, ah, right!" (He finally gets it) "I know what youre thinking. If Im paying ten bucks for these guys like everybody else, Im an idiot. But when Im buying 8,000 gnomes at nine bucks a gnome, huh, whos the idiot?"
* * *
(The next day, at Jesses house, the phone rings. Junior picks it up and...says nothing. He hands the phone to Darren)
DARREN: "Darren Warner. Okay thanks." (Hangs up the phone) "Gnomes are coming! Hey, yeah!"
JESSE: "Wait a minute. The gnomes are coming here?"
DARREN: "No, theyre gonna stay in the magical glade. Of course theyre coming here! I need to put them in the garage."
JESSE: "Darren, come on!"
DARREN: "Look, look. Theyre just gonna be here 24 hours tops, then I ship em off to my guy at Home Depot, okay?"
DARREN: (Looking out the kitchen window) "Oh look, theres that Mr. Chile guy you like so much."
JESSE: "I dont like him."
(A bus horn blares)
LITTLE JOHN: "Mom, bus is here, gotta go."
JESSE: (Staring at Diego) "Yeah okay whatever."
DARREN: (Laughing) "Just go outside and talk to him."
JESSE: " Will you stop? Well look at that, the trash is ready to go out." (She picks up the garbage bag and carries it outside)
JESSE: "Hi, I didnt see you out there."
DIEGO: "So, busy lady, huh?"
JESSE: "Yup thats me."
DIEGO: "Yeah, what have you got going tonight?"
JESSE: "Oh, laundry. Laundry night."
DIEGO: "Oh, you know something, uh, why dont we do our laundry together?"
JESSE: "You wanna do laundry together? Really?"
DIEGO: "Yeah, sure, I mean why not? I have cloths that get dirty; maybe this is exactly what they need."
JESSE: "I dont know."
DIEGO: "Just as neighbors. Come on."
JESSE: "Okay, but its not a date!"
DIEGO: "No no, its nothing like a date. Only our underwears will touch."
* * *
(That evening, Jesse comes down the stairs)
CARRIE: "Oh, look at you! Here, I brought my moms pearls."
JESSE: "Oh no honey, come on, thats too much."
JESSE: "Its not a date, were just going to the Laundromat and- Oh, I am wearing these." (Jesse saw herself in a mirror) "Are you sure your moms not gonna mind?"
CARRIE: "Oh no no no, shes drunk."
(The doorbell rings, Jesse goes to answer it)
JESSE: "Hi. Come on in, Im just getting everything together."
DIEGO: "Okay. Hey Darren."
CARRIE: (Extending her hand) "Im Carrie."
DIEGO: "Diego. Nice to meet you."
CARRIE: "So, Chile, wow. Whats that about?"
JESSE: "Um, Carrie, youre late for work."
CARRIE: "Oh, right, right." (Walks out the door, then turns around) "Hey wait, I dont have to work today!" (Jesse shuts the door on her)
JESSE: "Im just gonna go get the upstairs hamper."
JESSE: "Everybody...be good." (She goes upstairs)
(John Sr., Darren, and Junior all stand up and look at Diego)
DARREN: "Look, we really love that girl, okay? So youd better be nice to her."
DIEGO: "Were just doing laundry."
JOHN SR: "I dont know what laundry means in your country, but here its just good clean fun."
(Junior points a napkin at Diego)
DARREN: "Look Diego, just so you understand, okay, theres nobody in the world more important to us than-"
DARREN: "...the gnomes are here!" (He runs to the door) "Gnomes, the gnomes, gnomes?"
DELIVERY GUY: "The gnomes are here."
DARREN: (Goes outside, closing the door behind him) "Wait a sec, whats that?"
DELIVERY GUY: "That is gnomes."
DARREN: "No no no no, these arent my gnomes, theyre not painted."
DELIVERY GUY: "Theyre unfinished gnomes."
DARREN: "Well Im not gonna take them."
DELIVERY GUY: "Refusal of gnomes. Theres no box for that."
DARREN: "Well then Im just not gonna sign for them then."
DELIVERY GUY: "You dont have to sign for them theyre gnomes. Can I use your toilet?"
* * *
(Back in the house, Jesse is gathering up the laundry in the living room)
JESSE: "Alright, bye you guys, and make sure that Little John is in bed before nine oclock, all right?"
DIEGO: "Bye bye."
JESSE: "So, did they behave?"
DIEGO: "Oh yes, they behaved. Badly, but they behaved. Did you know Captain Kirk was a Jew?"
* * *
(That night, Jesse and Diego are in Jesses car)
JESSE: "Now I know this is gonna sound sort of weird, but that was the nicest laundry I think Ive ever had."
DIEGO: "Yes. This has been the best non-date Ive ever been on. In fact, I must start non-dating more often."
JESSE: "Thank you. So much. So so so much. Really, so much."
DIEGO: (Mumbles something)
JESSE: "Oh my, uh!" (She accidentally turns on the windshield wipers) "Oh, oh." (Diego turns them off) "Id better get inside."
DIEGO: "No no no no no, why?"
JESSE: "Well, you know, Little John likes a bedtime story, and you know, Juniors gonna be up there with a book in his lap for three hours, going" (She makes a face, imitating Junior)
JESSE: "So, Id bet-"
DIEGO: "Jesse, Jesse, sit. Im sure your son is in good hands. Your brothers seem very capable, and your father, Im sure he left hours ago."
JESSE: "I dont know."
DIEGO: "Oh come on, come on. Stay and talk. What can happen to them, there are 8,000 gnomes guarding this house?"
* * *
(The next morning, still in the car. One of the gnomes is tapped against the car window. Jesse wakes up, and sees Junior holding the gnome)
JESSE: "What? Oh my God." (Looks at Diego) "Oh my God!" (Looks around) "Oh my God!"
DIEGO: "What? Whats the matter?"
JESSE: "Its morning, and, and, Im still here, and youre right there, and, oh my God. Oh God." (Opens the door, forcing Junior to stand up) "Oh God."
JESSE: "Oh, legs are asleep. Okay, oh, oh hurts oh one hurts." (Stumbles to her door, with Juniors help) "All right." (Knocks into one of Darrens unfinished gnomes) "Oh, killed a gnome." (Fumbles with the door before opening it and tumbling in)
* * *
(Sometime that day, at Der Biergarten)
DARREN: "Well what do you mean youre not gonna take them cause theyre unfinished? What am I gonna do with 8,000 gnomes? Well I dont know if theyre all gonna fit up there!" (Closes his cell phone angrily) "Well, theyre not gonna take the unfinished gnomes at Home Depot."
JESSE: "Did you try Gnome Depot?"
(Darren begins to walk away, and Diego enters, with something behind is back)
DIEGO: "Hey Darren."
DARREN: "Hey. Hey! You want to buy a gnome?"
DIEGO: "Is it finished?"
(Darren looks dejected and leaves)
DIEGO: "Is everything okay? You ran out of there so fast this morning."
(Jesse makes a head movement of some sort)
DIEGO: (Presenting the flowers he had behind his back) "These are for you."
JESSE: "Oh, uh, I dont, I dont have a vase."
DIEGO: "Oh, oh, you could put them in a stein."
JESSE: "Oh, okay." (Takes the flowers from Diego and puts them into a stein, with an audible plop)
DIEGO: "Well, uh, not one full of beer. That, that would kill them." (Picks up the flowers again) "Ah, so look, maybe I can give these to you later, okay. Perhaps after work, hmm? Perhaps at dinner after work? Perhaps on a long drive after dinner after work? Okay, you know what, Im just gonna keep perhapsing you until you say something."
JESSE: (Not looking at Diego) "Alright. Um, I was thinking about this this morning, and uh, I dont think we should continue this."
DIEGO: "I dont understand, um, could you please turn around Jesse? Please?"
JESSE: "Uh, no, no I dont think I can. See, when I did this before at home, you werent there, and it was Junior, and hes much easier to break up with, so."
JESSE: "Ohhh." (Diego pulls on her arm, and she turns around) "Ohhhh gosh."
DIEGO: "Listen, okay Jesse, Jesse, can you explain this to me please? I know you had a good time last night."
JESSE: "Yeah, well, if I had known I was gonna have that good of time I wouldnt have gone."
DIEGO: "Well of course, that makes...no sense. Jesse."
JESSE: "No no no, look, look. This is, this is exactly why I told you I dont date. No, no, no, no, listen. See, this morning, I went into my house, and the kitchen was a mess, and, and my dad, he missed a meeting with his beer distributor, and all my son had for breakfast was caramel nuts and Nougat, and, and would you stop it with the blue eyes already?"
DIEGO: "Okay, so we are not going out because of beer and Nougat?"
JESSE: "Yes! Diego I cant go to dinner, or to movies, or out dancing."
DIEGO: "Okay, you know, we dont have to go out dancing. We can dance at home. In fact, we dont have to dance at all!"
JESSE: "No! Please listen to me, okay? Its not gonna happen. Were just neighbors. Okay? Just...neighbors."
DIEGO: "Fine. Neighbors." (He leaves the flowers in another stein, and walks out of Der Biergarten)
JESSE: (Looking at her father) "I think that went rather well."
* * *
(That evening, Jesses house, Jesse walks in and finds Junior)
JESSE: "Hey." (Sees Junior painting a gnome) "Hm, nice nose. So, Im not gonna see Diego again."
(Junior looks surprised)
JESSE: "Because, just, I mean last night we, you know, we sat in the car and just talked, for hours, and my head was on his shoulder, and I thought, I dont want this man to leave, like, ever. It was just so...unbelievably terrifying. I just dont think that I can go through that again. Hmm, its an okay reason to stop seeing somebody, right?"
(Junior gets up, walks to the back door, and opens it)
JESSE: "You know, I knew you were gonna say that."
(Jesse gets up, walks to the door, and kisses Junior on the cheek. Outside, she leans into her car and turns on the radio. She looks back at Junior, who closes the door. She then waits for Diego to notice the music and come outside, which doesnt take long. Diego has a little trouble with the door, but comes over to the driveway, and offers Jesse his hand. She accepts, and the two dance)